Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Well... with the SCOTUS ruling on gay marriage... I think its safe to say that a Bieber / Cyrus wedding is inevitable.

   Aaron Hernandez is going to jail as a Tight End and will leave jail as a Wide Receiver

   Kanye West's album Yeesuz sold 327,000 copies in its first week. I Recorded my dog barking at the mailman and 1st week sales were 400,000 copies. Take that Kanye!!!

   Love with no expectations in return and you will know how to love yourself more than anyone could in this screwed up world.

   Our inner demons would get along wonderfully.

   My husband gets so confused when I say yes to sex, you'd think I changed the location of his food bowl.

   I haven't rubbed one out in a week. Anyone have a bucket I can borrow??

   Friendship isn’t about being there when it’s convenient, it’s about being there when it’s not.

   A new study has found that men have a hard time reading women's facial expressions. Main reason? They usually aren't looking at her face.

   With the right person, every inappropriate thing becomes appropriate.

   I've just heard the tragic news about Taylor Swift. My heart is broken for her and her family. Sending them all my thoughts and prayers. She hasn't died, she's just making more music.

   Lawyer: "You've been released!" Aaron Hernandez: "Great, so I can go home?" Lawyer: "Shìt, sorry. I mean you've been released by the Pats."

   I bet Aaron Hernandez is pretty pumped he can legally marry his cell mate.

   Something about summertime brings out the beer guzzling Homer Simpson in me.

   If your Facebook picture is a car or your kids I automatically assume you're fat.

   The next couple of years are going to rock for wedding crashing!

   When I see someone texting and walking, I sometimes purposely vier over and bump into them.

   So let me get this straight (pun intended), I have to travel to California to marry Ryan Gosling?!

   I just found a whisker in my general tso chicken

   Today I had to ask myself "What would Jesus do?" because he just got deported and I have no idea how to cut my own lawn.