Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   While looking around at Babies R Us I noticed....Boobs are to men what Fisher-Price stacking rings are to babies. They feel good, are fun to play with, and always wind up in the mouth.

   Ask.com is useless.... they have no idea where I put the remote either.

   I got health insurance again! I get to go to a english speaking doctor

   maybe I will knock one out before sportscenter

   My mom talks into her cell phone like she just hit the cap lock key on her voice

   Of all your flaws, the one that allows you to like me, is my favorite.

   Picking up women at Jenny Craig meetings can be easy and rewarding but you must carefully weigh your options.

   My sex tape would just be called Home Alone.

   I'm so good at passwords that even I can't log into my stuff.

   It feels like the time of the day when I have a trough of cinnamon toast crunch.

   Why does the dryer even need a "more dry" setting. Who wants their clothes only kinda dry?

   Shredded wheat is OK for breakfast if you like to eat lightly sweetened scarecrows.

   Yes, lady, you are cute, but not 5000 photos on facebook cute.

   Little known fact... Any uneaten Little Caesars pizza turns back into cardboard after 30 minutes.

   The adult me is just the child me with severe lower back pain....

   Locks of love should just visit my shower.

   My favorite flavor of ice cream is yes.

   Remember: A butt dial and a booty call are two entirely different things.

   If thought bubbles appeared magically above my head I would be so screwed.

   I bet if you're a firefly, it must be really hard to get to sleep at night with all that random flashing.