Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm so hungry I could Instagram a horse.

   Whenever I drive past the psychic's empty parking lot, I think, if I was psychic I would only be open on the days I knew people were coming.

   A man is incomplete until a woman comes in his life. After that.he is finished!

   It is what it is and that's all that it is...excet when it isn't, then it's not.

   All my updates this past weekend were super updates. I'm back to my regular updates now...

   I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can't wait to show them to my wife!!

   Dear wierdo at the grocery store who bought up all the Twinkies as an "investment". Bad news, they will be back on shelves July 15th. Sorry that didn't wory out for you. Don't lose hope, maybe those Elvis Presley commerative plates will still pay off.

   Attention nobodys...I'm not going to "follow" you on fb....unless you're Marilyn Monroe brought back to life.

   tatoos must be expensive because everyone with them doesn't seem to have any money left...

   I hate it when I am mistaken for someone who cares about your problem.

   i'd like to meet the person who invented sex and see what they're working on now

   "We're losing her." -sanity

   I put apple juice in a spray bottle to use on some ribs. I sprayed it in my mouth.... Cups are now ridiculous to me.

   It's hilarious how sensitive people get when you ignore them....ON FACEBOOK!

   Remember,,,, there is no I in denial

   Finishing the Monday after vacation is like when Nick Wallenda's feet hit the ground after crossing the Grand Canyon on the Skywire

   my opinion is brought to you by the letter "F" & the letter "U"

   Someone should check on Tyler Perry. He hasn't released a movie in like a week.

   I like to think all pizzas are personal pizzas.

   You guys make Facebook worth it! Just kidding, we are all wasting our lives.