Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My semen glows in the dark. Should come in handy if I'm ever horny and also lost in a cave.

   An elementary school in California is being named after Michelle Obama. It's obvious that the school's mascot will be Chewbacca.

   Does the Food Network deliver?

   Albertans living near High River experiencing unexpected flood. Seriously? You live on High River and a flood is a surprise? In related news residents of Hell unprepared for latest heat wave.

   yes is official- Kanye West has lost his mind!!..he has named his daughter...what for it......NORTH.

   LITTLE KNOWN FACT: The guy that wrote the script for "Gremlins" originally meant it as a documentary about having kids

   Kitchen utensil theft...................... it's not worth the whisk.

   COWORKER: Got a minute?.... ME: Sigh,,,, (Puts "Days Without Being Annoyed By Idiots" sign on desk to 0) Sure,,, What's up?

   When my brother ran away, we moved his stick figure to the other side of the minivan's back window.

   8:30am and it already feels like the longest day of the year.

   Kim n kanye should name their kid 'KiIlevry" .. .. KiIlevry Kardashian has a nice ring too it

   I'm kind of disappointed.. North isn't really a good name for a stripper.

   someone said "Kim Kardashian has given birth to a compass"

   Summer officially checked in at 1:04 am. For Floridians, it also clocked in at 1:04 am. Back in April.

   So I'm assuming that North West won't be a One Direction fan?

   Police reports state that Aaron Hernandez is claiming Bill Belichick instructed him to destroy the surveillance tapes

   I do not like racism of any kind. It's disrespectful to all the coloreds.

   And if he winds up being a switch hitter..he'll be known as: North Bi North West....well sorta.

   The day Bruce Jenner finally snaps and locks his entire family in his Escalade and pushes it into his swimming pool just got one stupid baby name closer.

   SOOOOO wanted Kim and Kayne to name their daughter Wild Wild........