Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   VODKA: the boredom killer.

   People who still have their popcorn when movies starts: your self-control disgusts me and I'll never party with you jerks.

   They key to not crying when cutting an onion is severing your emotional bond with it beforehand.

   My phone display is brighter than my future. :(

   Ladies; Don't build walls around your heart... men will pee on them.

   I always start my day off with SNAP, CRACKLE, POP

   Son, we're Irish,,,,,, So technically every one of your ribs is a McRib

   Maybe Aaron Hernandez killed Tony Soprano?

   Loosing a wife can be difficult, and in some cases impossible!

   Instagram has added video support. Now I get to watch a video of people eating their food!!!

   I believe if a tree and a woman fall in the woods....the woman still makes the noise!!

   I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say "Hey look. That one is shaped like an idiot

   He shall return as (James) Gandolfini the White.

   Nobody talks to the hand any more.

   if a drug commercial spends 15 seconds on the drug and 45 seconds on the side effects, I'd avoid that one...

   Damn. RIP Tony Soprano. *shuts screen off*

   one male, one female, one ex trying to mess it up and one friend secretly hoping it ends.

   So if tomorrow is the first day of summer, that means tonight is SUMMERS EVE right? Let me know if I am being a douche...

   I was an atheist until I realized I was a sex god

   All I really want is for my self destruction to be televised during "Prime Time".