Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't think golfers are real atheletes. None of them have sleeve tats...

   father's day is a great time to stop into a strip club to remind yourself that you could have done worse as a father.

   The baby in the car next to me is either unable to control his arms or hes throwing me gang signs. I'm not taking any chances. **Locks Doors**

   An apple a day is bullcrap. Apples are dangerous. Just look at Eve, Snow White, Blackberry or any pig at a luau.

   I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

   Strip malls are the most promiscuous of all the malls

   I don't drink, so you people don't get any better looking as the night wears on.

   As it turns out, most people don't even notice when I'm withholding sex from them.

   Dear God, I could have wished a happy Father's day but decided against it considering how an absent, unaring and neglecting dead-beat dad you have been. I bet Kanye West would make a better father than you.

   I don't even drink my first cup of coffee every day, I just pour it over my head like a football coach so everyone knows I'm here to win.

   When people tell me knock knock jokes I pretend I'm not home.

   Dear Kanye; if you really are Yeezus, raise your album out of my recycle bin.

   "Knock knock", "who's there?", "Weekend", "Weekend who?", "We can wish it was the weekend, but its MOnday!"

   imagine if everytime you yawned .. a ghost was putting his pecker in yer mouth ..

   If only your liver could talk... the stories it could tell. That's why I keep it liquored up, so it will stay quiet.

   Mondays are like a dry hand job. Hurts during, feels good when it's over...

   If attacked by a mob of clowns... Go for the juggler !!!

   God made cousins so that parents can compare our marks.

   A police officer came up to me yesterday and asked me "Where were you between four and six?" I replied, "Kindergarden"

   UGHhhh,, Spelling errors agrevated me SO much,,,, Just mix up two letters and your whole post is urined