Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There is no such thing as an automatic door. Just gentlemen Ninjas

   You know ladies, if you don't snap me up soon, someone else will and then you'll have to wait 3 whole weeks till I'm single again.

   I'm updating my resume and I need your opinion. Which is a more marketable skill: Awesome high fives or mad rock paper scissors skills?

   Men aren’t as emotional as women because evolution realized early on that you can’t kill a spider by sharing your feelings.

   Married people have 6 priorities: 1) Convince yourself you're happy. 2) Convince spouse you're happy. 3) Convince friends you're happy. 4) Convince workmates you’re happy 5) Convince relatives you’re happy 6) Convince neighbors you’re happy

   Men are usually too focused on the cleavage in the shirt to notice the crazy in the eyes.

   ATTENTION ANYONE UNDER 25: There was a time Ice Cube was the baddest rapper on the planet. No, seriously. Stop laughing. It’s true.

   mosquitoes are natures way of fighting nudity.

   I am NOT playing "Hard-to-Get". I'm playing "I-Don't-Want-You"

   FUN SCIENCE FACT: When an Australian reads a really stupid post,,,, They roll their eyes counterclockwise

   Old McDonald had a farm. He also had a redheaded goth son named Ronald who did acid,, and flipped hamburgers,, and talked to purple blobby things.

   The great thing about being a guy is I don't have to put on a "face" to go outside. All I have to do is make sure my nutsack isn't showing and I'm pretty much golden.

   I'm just surprised Superman didn't step in to prevent them from rebooting the Superman franchise again.

   I hate when people asks me: What happened to the sweet old you? Well B**chhhes like you killed it!!

   Lighting a cigarette immediately after buckling your seat belt is like saying "I wanna die soonish, just not today."

   I bet the worst part about being single is knowing that even Hitler found someone who loved him

   Justin Bieber has planned a trip to space. He's going to boldly go where everyone wants him to stay.

   … you might be gay if you bend over and see 4 balls

   Do not overly trust journalists coz they are more concerned with selling newspapers than telling the truth.

   Just been watching Ladies Beach volleyball and there's already been a wrist injury...but I should be ok by friday;)