Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This hot fudge sundae hasn't killed me so it must be making me stronger.

   a Genie told me I could have a great memory or an epic Phallus, but for the life of me I can't remember which one I chose...

   Being spontaneous would be a lot easier if people would just give me a couple of days notice first.

   I'm really good at making poor decisions. You're my favorite so far

   There is a name for people without beards.... Women!

   Bill Murray walked up to me today in McDonalds, grabbed a fry off of my tray, ate it, and said " No one is gonna believe you"

   Facebook has changed its policy against topless Masectomy pictures. Which is odd because Justin Bieber has been posting them for years.

   Ain't no sandwich when she's gone.

   I like people how I like my coffee... I don't like coffee.

   Never faked a sarcasm in my life.

   it is such a big waste how Jodan's national carrier is called Royal Jordanian airline instead of Air Jordan

   I wonder if smart cars are even street legal.

   Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

   rub an atheist nutz the wrong way and they hiss like a snake that they are...

   I wish I could have sex for everytime I was turned down for sex

   I saw a girl being irresponsible texting while driving and it really ticked me off.....So I rolled down my window and threw my beer at her.

   How do male Civil unions not end up with the phrase "I dude"

   The best person to be thrown in Jail with is the Kool aid man

   Leaving work for lunch.....hmmm...wait a minute....What the helll am I talking about....I dont even have a job.

   My girlfriend hates when I say "I've got a surprise for you... in my pants.", then I unzip my pants and a squirrel jumps out and bites her