Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thanks to the Chinese people and their stupid superstitious beliefs, our grandchildren are never going to see a live Rhino.

   Wife gets a $20 gift card for Victoria's Secret, spends $380. Husband gets a $10 Lowes gift card, spends $12...

   Gonna celebrate Cinco de Mayo the traditional Mexican way by doing some landscaping.

   The chupacabra does not deliver presents on Cinco De Mayo

   Still don't understand why people say Happy Cinco de Mayo to us. It's not our independence so shut up!

   Let's be honest, if the Westboro Baptist Church pickets your funeral then you've lived a good life.

   It's disrespectful to refer to Cinco de Drinko as "Cinco de Mayo

   Really Cosmo? 50 tips on how to make your guy h0rny? What the f^ck are the 49 things after "touch his p*nis

   it drinko de Mayo or cinco de drinko? F*uck it, I'm just getting drunko...

   I thought I suffered from low self-esteem. Turns out, I suffer from accurate self-esteem.

   Facebook has announced that now your Facebook friends will be assigned to work as customer support. Because who better to help you reset your password, than the guy you stood up for the 8th grade dance?

   May the 5th of vodka be with you

   Well, then I guess only one of us will be enjoying these next 3 years :)

   you are all small minded people here!

   small minded...SMALL MINDED!!...Yeah, I got nothing?

   I don't care about what people think or say about me. At least mosquitoes find me attractive and appealing.

   I knew she was about to say something intelligent because she began with, "You once told me..."

   Cinco De Mayo is just like St. Patrick's Day, except with tequila.

   The Chupacabra came down the chimney and left me a Piñata full of coal ...that means 6 more months of Tequila! Happy Cinco De Mayo

   My sister calls me a "lazy alcoholic." Well, jokes on her. I just jogged to the liquor store.