Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I’m totally gonna ask this lady breast feeding her baby, for a little squirt for my coffee.

   Opinions are like as sholes. I only listen to mine.

   It's okay that I touch my cousin's fake breasts because they aren't really hers, right guys?

   My cat is my date and we got asked to leave the Olive Garden. Probably because she's black.

   Lord, please forgive these gas prices, for they know not what they do to my pockets...

   It's not poetry, if it's not written in blood.

   So after breaking 7 out of 10 commandments this week I can still run for Pope, right?

   Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.

   If beer pong has taught me anything... it's that there's no cool way to chase a ping pong ball.

   Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.

   LeBron as good as Jordan?! Ha! Call me when LeBron saves the Looney Tunes from an alien race.

   At a job interview. "What would you say was your greatest weakness?" "Honesty." "I don't think honesty is a weakness." "I don't give a crap what you think."

   Relax. You’re not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings; we’re boozers, boozers go to parties.

   when I become CEO of Subway emploees will no longer be called sandwich artists the will be sub humans

   Forget the wild animals, aliens, ghosts, snakes or spiders; the greatest danger to a human being is another human being.

   Even the Fonz couldn't look cool chasing a ping pong ball.

   Murphy's Law 2013: The McDonald's is always on the opposite side of the street from the direction in which you're travelling.

   The Salvation Army is sponsoring a race car this year. It's a 1992 Chevy Lumina...

   I appreciate that Motel 6 will leave the light on for me, cuz otherwise, I'm certain I'd end-up decomposing in their water tank....

   GF: I wish you'd talk to me more about how you feel about the future. Me: I feel like wings and beers tonight...