Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If you've never lost your significant other, you've failed as a sock.

   If you're looking for an excuse to ruin your life, I'm right here.

   That thin line beween ‘I love you' and bullshi t.

   You're the shampoo in the eyes of my life.

   Be good, kids! There's no bacon in hell.

   Girl you're so ugly that when construction workers see you they get back to work.

   Maybe people who wear Ed Hardy shirts just want people to throw boiling water at them.

   In the Olympics of my heart u're the Jamaican who runs fastest, the Kenyan who runs longest. the American who strengthens me with steroids.

   My girlfriend says I shouldn't plan things in advance. Well, she isn't my girlfriend yet.

   A woman's superpower is turning an insignificant misunderstanding into a catastrophe of biblical proportions

   Drunks, kids and skinny jeans are the only ones who tell the truth.

   Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.

   So this guy pointing a gun to my face was like: Your money or your life! and I was like: I'm on Facebook, I don't have money or a life.

   ''Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.'' - Jesus flirting in a bar

   did anyone wake up manny paquiao I know he got stuff to do today

   Just found out that the "S" in the upcoming iPhone 5S stands for "Sucker! (you just bought the 5.)"

   Just turned a dollar into two. Now arguing with lady at lotto stand as to why I can't have my pic on their "Wall of winners"

   What happens on Santa's lap.......stays on Santa's lap.

   Unfortunately, there was a lot more camel toe than mistletoe at the office Christmas party last night.

   Baby Jesus doesn't care if my gift to you came from the dollar store and neither should you.