Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   naughty or nice will always depend on....who's asking.

   My mom says to me, "What makes you think you're so great?" I said, "What makes you think that I think that?" She goes, "Because you just dumped a bucket of Gatorade over your head."

   Its That time of the year to start wearing my Christmas outfit. Its all black, I have less chances of being seen when I am out at night rearranging peoples yard deer in to sex poses. I just feel Christmas needs more Ninjas!

   Hi, my name's Steve, or as the ladies like to call me "Hey, what the hell are you doing in that tree with those binoculars, get out of here you freak!!!"

   If you are going to have loud sex, make sure the guy isn't the loudest one.

   can't help but wonder just how different the world would be if people's pants actually caught on fire when they lied. 0 up, 0 down

   If you're not happy being single. You're not doing it right

   Roethlisberger is still out?.... Man, mace must last longer than I thought...

   I'm guessing that the end of Cowboys Vs. Aliens is predictable. Tony romo buckles under the pressure & throws an interception to the aliens

   tries to accept the things he can't change and change the things he can't accept.

   If you are going to cheat, make sure she isn't wearing glitter.

   I'm only a morning person on December 25th

   frequently has conversations with women who know how hot they are, but apparently very little else.

   Sunday = The day of the week to sit around and absolutely do nothing all day and no one judges you for it.

   Seeing people in the grocery store and talking to them and they pretend they don't know you...well played, mom...well played.

   ur as fake as my Christmas tree

   You're the only one who wore a yellow scarf to class.. don't blame me for shouting "10 points to Gryffindor!" when you got a question right..r

   i'm not here, I've gone out to look for myself. If I come back before I return, please tell me to wait.

   if I was a bird... I know who'd I poop on

   Kristen Stewart looks like a sullen boy with no boobs. Thankfully Twilight is over.