Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hahahaha!!! Pour me some more Champagne! Fuck!n' A! WOO HOO! YAY! YAY! ~Little Debbie

   Video killed the radio star and the union killed Twinkies!

   News knowledge is important. I was discussing with a guy about the Gaza Strip. He thought it was the adhesive side of a maxi pad.

   My wife likes to whisper in my ear during intimacy. Things like,"Did you remember to record Grey's Anatomy?"

   Last night I sprayed under my kitchen sink for roaches with this cheap Chinese-made insect killer. Not only did it leave them alive, they kept me up all night talking.

   My wife just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   Sext: 'Ride me harder, baby. Harder' Me: 'I'M ALREADY TYPING IN ALL CAPS, WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME?'

   Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it's real

   Ladies; I am the kind of guy who, when I see you out on a romantic walk with your man holding hands, I will probably hold your other hand.

   Well I just broke up with my girlfriend 'cause I'm engaged now.

   Man, I get a lot of junk emails. Apparently, there's a lot of folks out there that wanna make my p enis 3 inches longer.

   It's Saturday.. Turning my give-a-crap-o' meter down... █ ▆ ▅ ▄ ▃ ▂

   Anything that requires my presence before 4 pm on a weekend is an obligation, not recreation...

   Am I the only one in Crocks?

   My girlfriend just cleaned out her purse. So, she'll be having a garage sale later this week.

   WHAT? 10 TO 20!?! FOR SELLING HO HO'S ON THE BLACK MARKET!!! ... Whooooa, your honor, there has been a BIG misunderstanding here...

   I'm pretty sure that if more states had legalized marijuana, Twinkies would have been saved.

   My Ex once got bit by a rattle snake. After 3 days of pain and agony the snake died.

   Organized people are just people who are too lazy to look for things.

   I want to make a puzzle that says "Get a job you loser" after its completed.