Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Those who drink to drown their sorrows should be taught that sorrows know how to swim.

   We all have that one friend who always gives the best relationship advice , but is still single.

   OK some Women want to be equal to Men... Send us flowers to work, pick us up for a date, open the car or any door for us, take us out to dinner and a movie flip the bill and leave the tip and you make the first move at the end of the date!!!

   It's funny how two females could hate one another because of a guy, but the guy doesn't give a damn about either one of them

   I just bought a Dyson ball cleaner.......I should read the intructions because I'm pretty sure I'm not usng it properly

   Swear I bet you if I was a hot chick and I left a status that said "I'm brushing my hair". It would get about 50 likes.

   Thought about asking someone if they wanted to be my "It's complicated" status...

   If your child was pregnant at 16, why would you put them on a TV show? Isn't that kind of rewarding them for being a slut?

   Schools need to include a new subject into the curriculum called, "Learn how to shut up and learn"

   The best things in life are not things...they're acts. Whether it be acts of kindness, comedy acts, or sex acts.

   Be still like a mountain and flow like a great river. But not during sex, that's just selfish.

   I was touched by an angel, inappropriately.

   Girlfriends are like credit cards, you can't get one unless you already have one.

   Why don't we take this relationship to the next level and you loan me some money.

   Let's stay together = let's change the channel

   I hate when stupid people try & make YOU feel stupid because they don't understand you.

   You are more confused than a male lady bug

   I am painting a blue square in the backyard, so google earth thinks I have a pool!

   My doctor's waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more beautiful women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And booze.

   Everything is within walking distance, as long as you've got the time.