Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   UK 1984 - "Feed the World". USA 1985 - "We are the World". And they wonder why they're so f**king fat.

   Myth Confirmed! It's better to be a virgin over a rapist! TEBOW!

   Guys, the only thing that beats playing with your kids is playing with the box they came in...

   Jesus: "Spare the lives of the over 30,000 children due to die from starvation today or help Tebow log a symbolic 316 yards against the Steelers? Hmmm..."

   you know your hungry when your stomach sounds like chewbacca with a ballpoint pen up his a$$

   To do list: go to a bank wearing a ski mask. complete a normal transaction. leave as if nothing happened.

   who else pretends someone you like is randomly watchin u, so that you do whatever you were doing 10x better?

   Part of me says "I can wear my sunglasses at night"...But the other part says "Fool you know you clumsy enough in the daytime"...

   that awkard moment when your trapped in the corner of your shower because the cold water came out

   Imagine if there was drinking game called Tim Tebow and you take a shot everytime you hear his name, I believe half of facebook would be hammered.

   I hate when men stare at me. It's like, can't a girl use the urinal in peace?

   Things are getting serious with my boyfriend: He is about to introduce me to his wife! #ThatsWhatSheSaid

   Tell the haters to keep it to themselves...we call that MASTURHATING!!!

   Work is the hardest place to avoid talking to people who don't know what the hell they're talking about.

   What is the weight limit on this roller coaster ??.....Because I am a little over my goal weight right now!!

   I don't know why my neighbor threw this half-full bottle of bleach in the trash, it tastes perfectly fine!

   Behind every great man, there's a great woman. So just put another great woman in front of that man and you got a Great Man Sandwich!

   Throwing breadcrumbs is the duck equivalent of making it rain.

   It's pure comedy to watch Kim & Kourtney complain about paparazzi when they get paid to have cameras follow them for the reality show.

   Girl: What color are my eyes? Guy: 34D.