Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I bet the minivan industry hates the condom industry.

   I will never tell you the number of people I've slept with, especially if you're next on my list.

   worried that Santa won't bring any gifts for dirty minded people. I'm screwed. Haha, screwed.

   Congrats to Lebron James for getting engaged, his fiance now leads the family with 1 ring.

   Can you imagine watching Jersey Shore in Smell-O-Vision?

   According to D!ck Clark this new year's eve is going to be the "besjtkdksnsm newsjsjsoa evesjdddb."

   Happiness is going to your sons wedding, seeing your ex-wife and fighting the desire to shake the hand of the man who she left you to be with and say, "thank you, I really dodged the bullet on that one"

   My sole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others. Your welcome!

   Be creative, invent a perversion.

   I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

   We all enter this world in the same way: naked; screaming; soaked in blood. But if you live your life right, that kind of thing doesn't have to stop there.

   I had my identity stolen the day after Christmas. It was reurned in yesterday's mail with $20 and a note that read, "Damn dude, no one owants to be you!"

   Eating some food from last year.

   My number one New Year's Resolution is: Don't die.

   If everyone "resolves" to not care about the Kardashians in 2012 do you think they'll go away?

   I bet there was a lot of red solo cups used last night

   making a NYE resolution is like making a wish...you dont need to tell everyone

   The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.

   Me: I wasn't that drunk.. Myself: Dude, you were talking to yourself! Me: ...and... Myself: ...and you still are.

   I sleep better naked…why can't the flight attendant understand this?