Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dr. Drew, we're here because we love you, and we're concerned about your addiction to putting addicts on TV.

   The fact that Mitt Romney has a son named Matt Romney kinda makes you hope for 3 more sons named Mett Mott & Mutt.

   Last New Year's, people promised me that 2011 would be MY year. Those people are liars and are no longer my life coaches/psychics.

   Soon, an African child soldier will fire an M-16 while wearing a Lakers jersey with WORLD PEACE on the back.

   Wait - so we're NOT supposed to eat the Silica Gel packet?

   When I hear "Tropical Depression" I think of Toucan Sam sitting in a rain-forest crying.

   If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.

   Since 2012 will be the end of the world I am going to do things I have never done before; like showing up to work in time, drink responsibly, pay my taxes, respect my elders...screw it, I'm going out with a bang!!!

   The day before the annual Gregorian calendar re-set. Here's where I get all sappy and tell my pals how much they rock. You guys are the best. Happy New Year!

   GaGa and Bieber in Times Square!!! I guess all the good bands and singers had plans for tonight..

   about to make it RAIN all up in 2012!!!

   Lazy rule #526272828000: I take short cuts that are longer than the long cuts just because I think they are shorter

   Here's a drinking game for you; take a drink every time someone posts "happy new year" on your Facebook. Make sure you aren't driving after this game because you will likely have too many friends stating the obvious.

   Why is everyone so worried about the Mayans Calendar??? I just realized my Hannah Montana Calendar ends in 13 hours!!!!

   When love wants to speak, reason must shut the hell up.

   He who breaks a New Year's resolution is a weakling and he who makes one is a fool.

   My new year's resolution is to improve my powers of concentra......... oh look a squirrel

   Waxing every inch of male body hair is still more masculine than saying the word 'Man-scaping.'

   If you don't have any children, charce's are you won't have any grandchildren.

   Seasons Beatings from your local Dominatrix office.