Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   What do you call a woman who talks and wants to cuddle after sex? ......A taxi.

   Good Lord that song " Red Solo Cup' is the dumbest song ever. I would have to kick my on a** if I wrote that song

   If Penn State Offers You A "Full Ride" Scholarship...I Would Read The Details First.

   It is what It is, I am who I am,believe it or not... I don't give a damn!

   Would you rather date a woman with a beautiful body covered in tattoos, or a nicely decorated trash bag?

   Why do people think you'll remember somebody if they say the name twice? "You remember Steve?".. "Steve who?".. "Steve, Steve."

   I'm lovin' my new Air Jordans even if they do smell like Pepper Spray..........

   There's no such thing as 'a pair of ugly - cleanly shaven female legs' wrapped around your neck.

   Just got "I <3 U" texted to me. Of course I also think one is less than three. Idiot.

   I'm still hoping Nike will one day come out with an Air Jordan belt....

   while out shopping yesterday my wife asked me to hold her purse...there was no way in hell that I was going to hold her purse!...it didn't even match my shoes

   I saw a guy ran out of gas, but he got some J's on.....Nows thats good Marketing 101!!!

   I have no point.... I have a sharp knife tho, will that make up for it?

   Hey Science, "mission accomplished" on the b0ner pills. How about a laptop battery that will stay up for four hours.

   You think you had a bad day? Clams are getting chowdered. CHOWDERED!

   It's crazy to see how much worse celebrities looked "before they were famous" and then realize that's how you look.

   If I opened a strip club I would have the girls wear BBQ scented perfumes. So when guys came home they could say they were at a Steak House.

   Must be confusing for Sean Connery's grandchildren when he asks them to "Come sh!t on my lap."

   Those boots are made for walking? Wow, so are most boots. Give me a call when they're made for castrating antelope or something.

   Some girl just caught me staring at her crotch so I gave her two thumbs up. She only deserved one, but it's the holidays and sh!t.