Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just a quick post, to wish you all a merry politically-correct non-denominational 'Winterfest'-type holiday, and a happy Gregorian calendar reset.

   I believe that I am the only one that gets that Walmart buggy with the deformed wheel.

   Of course I have life goals...they just have NHL level goalies blocking them.

   Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don't mix it up this year!

   Why is my wife asking me for a watch for christmas? She already has one on the microwave and oven!

   Should I be worried that Santa just de-friended me?

   You'll never convince me that women don't shed their hair to mark their territory.

   This is like the 8th Christmas in a row I've been doing my last minute shopping & forgotten about the 10 day waiting period on handguns.

   I don't think NORAD should be publishing the location of Santa. This is just the sort of information we don't want the terrorists to have.

   Happy National Gift Card Day!

   If your children have visions of sugarplums dancing in their heads it's a bit too late for that talk about drugs.

   Since going green, Santa has stopped using coal and now fills the stockings of kids on the naughty list with windmills.

   There are no rules for Holiday Family Fight Club, just a series of passive-aggressive statements.

   Ohhh, you wanted an iPad? I thought you said pet rock, dang

   How did I end up on the naughty list? I sold my soul to Santa as a kid for better toys. Too bad I'm dyslexic.

   You can tell whether or not your relationship is going to last by simply watching her eat a Popsicle.

   wrapping my girlfriends present, but I tell ya I'm not comfortable with tape near my puibs...

   Well Santa has started his Journey and is now in Australia. I hope he is careful over Iran. Last thing we need is to have him shot down and used as the latest Iranian Spy drone..

   The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin.

   Today on Maury! Joseph was engaged to Mary, then learned she's pregnant! You won't BELIEVE who she says the Baby Daddy is! Tune in for results.