Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If at fist you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed? I pulled up next to this chick in the car putting on mascara and it just didnt look right with those yellow teeth!

   The bra section. The only place in the world where you fail if you get an A.

   Ladies: you know your eyebrows are bad when you go to a funeral looking real happy.

   I smashed open my piggy bank earlier. I've got just about enough in it to buy a new piggy bank.

   Nothing that Facebook changes will ever keep me from stalking you.

   Your Christmas present will be all the more meaningful to me if you had to pepper spray someone in order to get it.

   If men stopped holding doors open for them, would ladies just pile up outside?

   BBC News: "Man critical after Specsavers car park crash." He should have gone to . . . Oh

   If you are not at the table, you are probably on the menu.

   I dropped my laptop in the ocean, now there is A dell rolling in the deep :)

   it took me 8 months to teach thee tubby one to say row

   If at first you don't succeed, Google it, and see if someone else screwed it up the way you did.

   swearing to myself at an elderly lady driving really slow. I guess someone heard me because within seconds bird crap landed on my windshield. Won't happen again, big guy

   Whoever says laughter is the best medicine obviously never heard of a great joke while suffering diarrhoea

   I can read Spanish, Chinese, Russian and Italian. As long as it's written in english.

   Now only if my real life friends could learn to be as cool and funny as my Facebook friends, then I wouldn't have a reason to be on Facebook.

   New Year's resolution: say "not on my watch" more (& often)

   You realize 30 years from now some idiot actress is going to be talking about the "challenge of portraying an icon like Kim Kardashian".

   PICK UP LINE: "Are you going to kiss me or do I have to lie about that part?"