Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My office Christmas party is tonight, which means my office apology party will be tomorrow.

   Oh don't act like you never lean forward while pushing down on the gas pedal to go faster.

   My homeboy's got girl problems, so I'm at some dive bar offering bro-side assistance. That's code for whisky shots.

   wishes Santa would stop allowing bullying at the North Pole. Stop allowing the laughing at others and name calling.

   Just because i'm losing.. doesn't mean i'm lost.

   You can catch more flies with honey. Or you can eat that honey and not have to deal with expensive fly upkeep.

   Having blue teeth would be cooler than wearing a Bluetooth.

   Turns out they'll sell a wizard hat to just anybody!

   If I could live in any time period, it would have to be a mix of the 50s and the 80s and the future. So, Back to the Future Pt 2, basically.

   They discovered bed bugs can procreate with their siblings. This is not the image boost bed bugs needed.

   Christopher Hitchens the brilliant journalist, author & famed atheist has died. If he's in Heaven now I bet Jesus is looking pretty smug.

   Can any Chicago Bears ffans out there hook me up with an eight ball?

   Just drunk enough to compose.. Just sober enough to backspace.

   You can always count on mom's to gasp in horror when you're about to hit a car that's 300 yards away.

   I am well-armed for the war on Christmas: Ground-to-air mistletoe, check. Pecan clusterbombs, check. Canister of peppermint spray, check.

   I always wonder why atheists don't spend as much questioning satan's existence.

   Your Girlfriend's not listening to you? There's a slap for that.

   What's green and has wheels? Grass. I lied about the wheels.

   Roses are red, Violets are blue, I have a gun, get in the van.

   a dyslexic man walks into a bra