Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Bob Barker turned 88 this week , what did he get for his birthday? " A NEW CAR !!!"

   My math teacher staples Burger King applications on failed tests.

   Me: "Can we have Up Dog for dinner?" Mom: "What is up dog?" Me: "nothin just chilling

   If you invite a girl over to "watch a movie" and actually watch a movie, you're a failure as a man.

   Time magazine named "protestors" as people of the year. Here's an idea for the Ass bags at Time. If you want to honor a group of people, how about the members of Seal Team Six!!!!!

   I need audio of crickets chirping on my phone so I can play after someone I don't like says a bad joke.

   ''It's because I'm Black isnt it?!'' ''Dude... You're White...'' ''Oh, so now its because I'm white? I see how it is..

   "I like your hair." "thanks, I grew it myself."

   Fellas: If you're playing with your X-Box all day, she'll break up with you and some dude will be playing with your ex's box all night.

   I've just bought a 3D Kindle. Or a book as I like to call it.

   There should be some sort of device that instantly makes my bed less comfortable when my alarm goes off in the morning.

   When I am home alone and I hear a noise, I freeze and listen.

   Newt Gingrich is the Republican front runner? I wouldn't bother getting those moving boxes just yet, Barack.

   Admit it, you love them so you Facebook stalk them. You over think your status updates in case they read them & you look @ all their photos several times a day.

   Hi My name is Miggz, I enjoy counting money and dancing when there is no music playing

   I hate those jerks who claim, "If you don't vote, don't complain". That's like going to a restaurant, and the only two items on the menu are s**t and vomit, yet it's my fault the place failed because I didn't order either one.

   I wish I could afford to have a drinking problem.

   Guess what I saw today? Everything I looked at.

   What I love most about my ex is that she is someone else's problem now.

   I'm gonna get "Shake well before drinking" tattooed on my pen!s.