Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Found out my american indian name is "running sqiurrel touching it twice"

   Have to go to the doctor to get my blood pressure medication. Not that I need it. I'm a drug dealer to the 50+ crowd

   I'm too embarrassed to tell you how many times I've mistaken insulation for cotton candy.

   I DON'T have EX's! I have Y's. Like "Y the hell did I date you?!"

   If you wake up with a weird taste in your mouth on Chrismas morning, just remember that Santa only comes once a year...

   talk is cheap, but I guess that's the only thing your broke ass can afford

   every time I hear that jolly fat guy with the red suit and reindeer belt out his familiar "Hoe Hoe Hoe"....I cannot help looking around for my ex girlfriend

   Dear Santa, All I want for Christmas is SethMacFarlane and his Evil Genius.....and an Occupy Wall St. Family Guy!

   If men are from Mars, that would explain why we try to probe everything.

   I try to let women think I'm mysterious and not hard up....that's why I wait a good 45 seconds before I Poke someone back on facebook.

   Ho Ho Ho= the first 3 girls on Santas naughty list

   Some people may hate you for being different & not living by society's standards, but deep down... they wish they had the courage to do the same

   Birthdays then- 'Wow! Look at all these presents!' ... Birthdays now- 'Wow! Look at all these notifications!'

   Hate it when insurance companies sends the settlement with my name mispelled and right address..

   The best cure for insomnia is a Monday morning.

   How you get sleepy after crying, It's like your mind is telling you, “you've suffered enough, it's time to shut down for a bit.”

   we spend the money we don't have, to buy the things we don't need, to impress the people we don't like.

   Tampax will discontinue tampons with strings on them, it appears that midgets have been stepping on the string.

   Delta: Don't Expect Luggage To Arrive

   All those years of phone sex has caught up with my grandfather. He has hearing AIDS