Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

   I need you guys to vouch for me. I accidentally spelled Satan instead of Santa in Christmas lights and my neighbors house and now they are convinced that my star of Bethlehem is a pentagram......:/

   Unless you woke up inside a live shark, I don't want to hear about your weekend.

   On the count of 3. Okay you ready everyone? ONE. TWO. THREE!!! Go f*ck yourself.

   Bank robbers give a bad name to people who just want to deposit their check with a mask on, like me.

   People who live in glass houses, shouldn't be allowed to be ugly.

   Some of you are absolute retards who need to get out of those little minds of yours.

   I wish I knew Spanish so I could understand the voices in my head.

   The road to happiness begins with a nap. It pretty much ends there too.

   Give a man a fish, he'll eat for a day. Give a man your fist and he'll sit uncomfortably for a lifetime.

   Santa wants to know if you have been naughty or nice this year... And if you were naughty, did you video it???

   You dadburn dumb city folk, ye ain't spose to git' all nervous like when yee hear banjers....... It's when ye don'ts hear 'em is when weez a slipp'in up on ye..... Yeeeea doggy!

   For the sake of equality, I'm making snowboobs instead of snowballs this year.

   It's weird that our sex parts are also our poopoo peepee parts.

   I'm the guy who spits his gum in the urinal.

   HOLIDAY PARTY TIP: If the mood's right under the mistletoe, don't be afraid to go in for a little mistlefinger.

   I can tell you something about rental cars...don't rent a Ford Focus if you like to go 90mph. I think I unfocused it.

   "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus" is a great song if you're into festive celebrations of inexplicable marital infidelity.

   Just put Nicotine patches on my eyelids, now I can see noises!

   You always know when you come across a ghetto b!tch. They don't have inside voices. They only have "I wanna make sure everyone f*cking hears this" voices.