Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It's hard to look at Clint Eastwood and not think we're descendants of really cool apes.

   I don't have much of a moral compass, but sometimes I still use a character map.

   Just held up an Etsy store. Made off with 37 woven hemp bracelets, a crappy candle and $1.54 in cash.

   It's pretty funny to strap a Christmas tree to the roof of your car, light it on fire, and drive around like nothing's wrong.

   Don't give me that disdainful look like I just learned to eat with chopsticks. I've been misusing them this way for years!

   Woke up with several traffic signs and safety cones in my bedroom... What did I do last night?

   In my opinion, a horse is the animal to have.  Eleven-hundred pounds of raw muscle, power, grace, and sweat between your legs - it's something you just can't get from a pet hamster.

   My "host" friend called me fat and immature tonight. I didn't agree so I took a poo in her cats litter box.

   If I ever catch my girl in the act of cheating I hope homeboy can sing so we can have one of them mr.biggs and r Kelly scenes...

   Was going to create a group on my FB, but somehow I don't think "Women I want to have sex with" would go over well.

   You want your relationship to last? Stop rubbing it into everyone's face.

   Pringles should make their containers like a Push-Pop

   The truth shall set you free. Unless its from an incriminating witnessed then you're screwed!

   Christmas comes quicker than a teenager during his first dry hump.

   A silent fool can pass for a wise man. It's also the Republican Party's best strategy.

   Home Alone = Porn at MAX Volume

   I just seen a video of Miley Cyrus singing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" on YouTube... As if a shotgun to the face wasn't tragic enough for Nirvana.

   I like my women the same way I like my hangover, gone by the time I get out of bed.

   If all her furniture is from Rent-A-Center....she's too hood for you bro!

   Ever want to say IDK without sounding stupid? Say this: I hesitate to articulate in fear I may deviate upon the highest degree of accuracy.