Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   This morning I put my phone into airplane mode, and as soon as I did, Kareem Abjul Jabbar knocked on my door dressed in a pilot's uniform.

   Thanks jerry springer for making my life seem normal...

   "I LIKE BIG BUTTS and I cannot lie" - homeless guy digging in the huge outdoor ashtray at my work.

   If you're happy and you know it...I'll have whatever it is you're drinking! :P

   No, Occifer - I don't know how fast I was going (hiccup), but you caught me so obviously I was not going fast enough!

   Just another day in paradise, minus the paradise...

   Gas prices = robbery without a gun!

   Singing passionately in the shower, pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower, not so much.

   My wife is leaving me because I believe everything I read on the internet. Not worried though, there are some sexy Russian girls in my area.

   I am on a rowing machine. It's like being on a boat only with less screaming.

   Herman Cain's career & marriage are a mess & the media mocks him constantly. Only 10 months ago, this was called #Winning.

   Kid birthday parties should just be called get your child sick gatherings.

   They say dress for the job you want not the job you have, so today I'm dressed like the Pope.

   Me: so doc, if I get this lung surgery, will I be able to do a backflip? Doc: yes, of course. Me: awesome, cuz I could never do that before.

   MILFs nowadays are 16 years old.

   Breaking: Michelle Bachmann calls for immediate release of US Predator drone pilots downed by Iran......

   If I say something that offends you, Please let me know so I can say it again later!..

   Friends don't let friends decorate drunk!

   Dear Obama, It's ok..... No one believes in me anymore either. Sincerely, Santa

   Don't mind seeing a nigg@ with a hideous chubber white girl, but hate it when sh'e's hot.