Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   It is safe to say that I am in the shower for a good 15 minutes before I actually start cleaning myself.

   On a scale from Casey Anthony to Penn State, how much do you love children?

   According to a recent survey just released this week, one-third of all mall Santa Claus' have had a child urinate in their lap. Even worse, the other two-thirds have urinated in their own laps.

   Every time I'm not with my kid and someone asks me "Where's the baby?" I just yell "Oh crap!" and run in the direction I came from.

   Conrad Murray got 4 years in the slam for killing Whacko Jacko......But he's feeling much better about the outcome since Lindsay Lohan assured him he'd probably be released in about 12 hours...

   I refuse to eat food I drop on the ground, but if I drop a cigarette? Yep, it's getting smoked

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his blue tooth earpiece

   You can't judge a book by it's cover, but you can judge a douchebag by his bluetooth earpiece

   I carry a magnum sized condom in my purse like a modern day glass slipper.... some day my prince will come

   have a new theory! If you ran around a tree at 270,000 miles per hour you could actually "f**k yourself". Same theory would apply if we re-elected Obama again.

   Rosa Parks wasn't trying to make a political statement , her ass was just tired .

   There are two types of girls in the world: my mom and sluts...

   That akward moment when a sentence doesn't end the way you think it octopus.

   I eat p~55y with the same enthusiasm as Pooh Bear facef@(ks jars of honey.

   Boys make excuses, men make changes...

   I'll never become mature enough to not laugh out loud when the person in the stall next to me farts so loud it sounds like a volcano just erupted

   I like my Women like I like my Beer....Pale, Full Bodied, Icy Cold and Delivered to me by a Wagon pulled by Clydesdales....

   There should be a prenatal test to find out if you're gonna have one of those kids with tiny teeth and giant gums. I am just saying...

   Tom Anderson uses Facebook so I wonder if Mark Zuckerberg uses Google+

   ❒ In A Relationship ❒ Single ❒ Messing Around ❒ Getting Cheated On ❒ F**k Relationships ✔I'm Just Hungry!