Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Irony…the opposite of wrinkly.

   Roses are red, violets are blue, I hate rhyming, make me a sandwich.

   Whenever someone sasy: "I'm sorry, it's just who I am." What they really mean is: "I am a giant a**hole and have no plans of improving myself as a human."

   If I want your opinion I'll remove the duct tape.

   I wonder if I'm the only one who hopes they didn't take Jerry Sandusky's shoe laces away when they booked him into jail.

   If I wanted your opinion...I'd ask you to fill out the neccesary forms!

   There's something unavoidably attractive about you

   I had to perform the Heimlich Maneuver on a friend who forgot to chew his pride before he swallowed it.

   Sometimes pissing with morning wood is harder than solving a Rubik's cube.

   I sincerely wish you the best. I just don't want to hear about it.

   If you want a successful relationship, find someone who likes the same thermostat setting you do.

   If I were any more hungry right now, Brad and Angelina would adopt me

   Cats probably wouldn't need 9 lives if they wore tiny little helmets and didn't smoke cigarettes.

   Keep you friends close and your enemies bound and gagged in a basement like Ving Rhames in "Pulp Fiction."

   A new study found a midday doughnut is good for the part of the brain that fabricates studies to rationalize a midday doughnut.

   I've spoken with 3 Kevins today. Think I'm set for the week.

   Bad relationships are like speed bumps. They force you to slow down and think about where you're headed.

   calories (noun) tiny creatures that live in your closet and sew you clothes a little bit tighter every night!

   MEAN PRANK: Replace Cocoa Puffs cereal with dry dog food.

   If I had known I would run into this many a-holes in my life, I would have capitalized on it and specialized in proctology!