Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I want to have 4 children, and name them Eeny, Meeny, Miney, and Mo

   A guy broke into my house last week, he didn't take the TV, just the remote. Now he drives by and changes the channels. Sick Nut.....

   Happy Veterans Day! Sending out my gratitude to all those, past and present, who have the courage and drive to do something about the world's problems…. So basically, all those completely unlike me.

   Retired members of the House/Senate get $174k for life. Our veterans get 10% unemployment & a pat on the back. I need to go throw up now.

   I like my women like I like my turtles. Helpless when they're on their back.

   If you speak in third person… it is safe to assume you are talking to yourself as no one wants to hang out with a douche bag.

   We live in a world where dates like 11/11/11 make people happy :|

   Got a little frosting on the iPad and long story short now playing Angry Birds with my tongue.

   Vodka is the drink of feelings. Whiskey is the drink of revenge against feelings. I'll take one of each, please.

   If you make a wish at 11:11 on 11/11/11 it will come true. Provided that your wish was to waste seconds of your life

   OK I made a wish at 11:11 , now its 11:12 still no midget house cleaners and Justin Beiber still has a career...what a crock

   Sorry for drunk texting you again last night. I assure you that I didn't mean what I said, unless you feel the same way

   It's Friday, Saturday's less hungover neighbor.

   At 11:11 AM and PM today. It will be 11-11-11 11 11 and that doesn't mean sh!t. Carry on with your day folks.

   Two chicks in one untagged Facebook profile picture? The account belongs to the ugly one.

   Want to surprise your girlfriend? Introduce her to your wife.

   Morning texts are for people you love, Midnight texts are for people you wanna f*ck

   before you post a tready status update about something like..I don't know....11:11 on 11/11/11 look to see if other people posted about it. If they did, its not original and don't bother.

   Lean Cuisine: Because I like a snack before my real lunch.

   I can't wait to get outta work so I can log onto Facebook for the first time today. ;0)