Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Sometimes when I cut my toenails, I leave them all over the floor just in case ants need to use them as swords when they are at war.

   ‎11/11/11....my calendar is speaking to me in binary

   Pirate pick up line 101: "I love your eye-patch and how it brings out your other eye."

   rick Perry...texas has a Republicam Governor running for president that seems like an idiot...this sounds familiar lol

   if you are down & need a friend, call me...if you need to borrow money, the number you have dialed is no longer in service

   "Police! Open the door!" ... "Will you promise not to get mad?"

   So you call yourself an adult but I bet you can't sleep with the closet door open just a little bit because you think someone might be looking at you like the boogieman.

   I failed my drivers test, they asked what should I do when I see a red light & I said, check my BBM

   Freedom is never free...Happy Veterans Day!!!!

   While you gamers play Call of Duty, keep in mind those men and woman that have answered the real call to duty. Happy Veterans Day.

   The reason I don't play Scrabble online, is that I can't throw the tiles at the person who beats me.

   Wow the liquor store clerk just said he's worried about me. I think it's time for a change. To a less judgmental liquor store.

   If a stranger in a bar has never bought you a drink you are probably ugly.

   When you say "everything happens for a reason" and I kick you in your face... The reason is because you said that.

   Ladies: guys don't care if the carpet matches the drapes as long as there is no rug on the back porch.

   Allow me to explain marriage to you non-married people: You know how some people have friends with benefits? It's the complete opposite of that.

   Being in prison and being married are alike in many ways except in prison there is a lot more sex.

   I don't need anger management... I need people to stop talking to me when I wake up.

   They joined for many reasons, to march, to sail, to fly. They went where they were posted but nobody joins to die. Their leaders talk on TV what else could we have done? But those leaders lost no daughters and none has lost a son. So heres to all our sold

   All dyslexics rejoice! For today is your day! 11/11/11 yppaH