Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The only other thing more popular than Facebook's "Like" button is MySpace's "Delete Account" button.

   Tomorrow is 11/11/11. This day only comes once every 100 years so go out there and do something crazy and make it memorable.

   I hate it when I forget to turn my swag off at night and I wake up covered in b!tches.

   2013. The year when the movie 2012 will be moved from the action section, to comedy section.

   Father Jim inspired me to confess with a lighter attitude. From now on, it's "Bless me, Father, these sins are gonna crack you up!"

   In Ashton Kutcher's defense, Demi Moore only lets him read the comic books Bruce Willis left at the house.

   Doesn't it sometimes seem like Dr Phil is doing an impression of Dr Phil?

   I failed the emergency broadcast test. My apologies to all the employees I shoved to the ground while screaming "we're all gonna die!"

   People still talk about the Clinton sex scandal as if the meteoric rise and fall of the Sneaker Pimps wasn't the 90s drama du jour.

   Just learned that spraying Febreze into my mouth to chase a shot of vodka causes me to say "Heavens to Betsy!" a lot while I do a crazy jig.

   Went to the movies. There must have been 400 people. Most of them were not there to see the movie, but to compete in a popcorn box and chocolate wrapper rustling competition. Others came to cough

   I was categorized as being in beast mode but have since been downgraded to a tropical storm.

   Love is always giving more than you can spare.

   If I were homeless, I'd stand in front of other homeless dudes and hold a sign that says "He's lying."

   A life without love is like a year without summer.

   When cops respond to a domestic violence call & they hear Bob Seger coming from the house, they're like "Uh oh…"

   Hey there people who start dancing a little to the music playing at Starbucks. Can we talk about you not doing that anymore?

   "Will you just be doing simple abductions? Do you need soundproofing? Shackle package?" - van salesman

   Andy Rooney's college roommate/lifelong friend drops dead at the late legend's memorial service. BUT HE DID WIN THE BET!

   if you type "no comment" in the comment bar that is in fact a comment.