Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.

   if a guys internet history is cleared, please dont shake his hands...

   Great news for YOU , I found a prostitute that charges by the inch, I obviusly can't afford her but I figured I'd pass it onto you so you could enjoy a cheap night out

   Yea, autocorrect, I meant "nymph" instead of "my phone" because I am a 16th Century poet.

   What an alleged ‘drug dealer' said to the Judge, “Weed is not a drug, it's a plant. Therefore, I am not a dealer, I'm a Florist.”

   In my head the Burger King and the Dairy Queen are married. And they have children named Wendy and Ronald McDonald.

   Million Dollar Idea: Toilet paper with short stories on them.

   Chinese Eye Emotions: sad (- -) happy (- -) angry (- -)

   Kim Kardashian is saying she regrets that she and basketball star Kris Humphries rushed into marriage. She said he should have gone the traditional route and released the sex tape first.

   Today a judge sentenced Lindsay Lohan to 30 days in jail for violating her probation. Or as Kim Kardashian put it, “30 days? That's like four marriages!”

   The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I think this is the one time in his life, where he wishes she sent him for tampons!

   When people start a sentence with "Do you know what your problem is?" I interrupt and start telling them all my problems. They never expect that!

   Telus: “Your call is very important to us, Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.” :(

   [Average Salaries] U.S. Soldier: $54,000....U.S. Congressman: $174,000 (Not counting bonuses)....What's wrong with this picture?

   Your parents ask you to do something and you tell them you'll do it in ten minutes but you never do it.....

   We spent our whole youth to obtain wealth and our whole wealth to obtain youth.

   I don't care to be the rich guy who you want to marry and never have sex with…. I prefer to be the pool boy who you want to have dirty sex with but never marry.

   I wanted to save my children some money down the road so I already purchased my headstone for the cemetery. It reads "I'm not dead yet."

   The guy in line next to me at Walmart is buying a 12 pack and a Snuggie. Wonder how his social life is going.

   My hometown is great for sightseeing if you want to see the People of Walmart in their natural habitat.