Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ..read this out loud ," I am we Todd did. I am sofa king we Todd did "

   Husband says to wife,"My Olympic condoms have arrived, I think I'll wear gold tonight." Wife says ‘Why don't you wear silver and come second for a change?

   80% of the time, I hate my life... the other 20% of the time i'm unconscious.

   Ladies, Take note of the plot of Sleeping Beauty: My sexual advances on you while you sleep, I'm a keeper... still single

   I'm a keeper. Don't listen to my exes... they be b!tches...

   why does my phone always break right about the time I teach my t9 dictionary all the important cuss words? Duck you Verizon. And econ you to hell.

   Snooki's like a basketball: Orange and passed around by a bunch of sweaty guys.

   If size doesn't matter, how come my ex's vibrator wasn't three inches long and crooked?

   Basketball players took the phrase"grow up" too literally.

   i could of been ur dad but ur mom didnt have change for a dollar

   Facebook is going to start making high school reunions really awkward."John! I haven't seen you in ten years! Wow, what have you been up to since that nap you took at 3 o'clock this afternoon?"..

   I've seen 4 people go from "in a relationship" to "single" today...yep, it's definitely no shave November.

   I don't like black and white films, they remind me to much of news pappers.

   1-800-You~Wish.....To chat with hot, sexy girls in your area you'll never see or touch.

   The Muppets took over WWE last night. In other news, Dora the Explorer is refereeing MMA Octagon Thunderdown

   So I read 600,000 facebook accounts get hacked in a day... I must be lucky - I get a free ipad 2 just by entering my password and credit card information.

   No one ever explained the rules of Facebook poking. You can use it to poke a girl if you like her.. Or what if I poke another guy, it's like saying " hey homeboy , what's up?" hopefully he wouldn't it take it as a " hey homeboy, what's up buttercup :)"

   Ever notice that those who have nothing on the inside, are the one's that are the most preoccupied with what is on the outside?

   I dont know what Is more amazing, that this girl thought she was Justin Beibers first, or the miracle of one girl knocking up another girl.

   Which is worse news this AM, Justin Beiber might have a love child or Herman Cain's believes China doesn't have nukes?