Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Candyland tastes like cardboard.

   I broke a mirror in my house, I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

   It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

   My favorite animal is steak.

   I guess I just prefer to see the dark side of things. The glass is always half empty. And cracked. And I just cut my lip on it. And chipped a tooth.

   I had a cab driver in Paris. The man smelled like a guy eating cheese while getting a permanent inside the septic tank of a slaughterhouse.

   We need a twelve-step group for compulsive talkers. They would call it On Anon Anon.

   !̸̶͚͖͖̩̻̩̗͍̮̙̈͊͛̈͒̍̐ͣͩ̋ͨ̓̊̌̈̊́̚͝͠ͅ ̷̧̢̛͖̤̟̺̫̗͚̗͖ͪ̏̔̔̒́ͥ̓ͫ̀ͤ̇ͥ͝ ̡̊͛̇ ͫ̉ͦ̊̀̔ͧͮ͆̽ͦͩ͋̌͗̚̚҉̵͖̟͙̮͈̼̹̞͝ͅis ...Thats right I virtually cracked your screen ;P

   Just because you didn't "Like" it...Doesn't mean you didn't see it!

   You think 7 years for a mirror is bad try breaking a condom

   ‎2 dyslexics run into a bank and shout "air in the hands mother stickers this is a f**k up!!!!

   Pleas turn your mobile phone upside down now!!! Hurry 370HSSV 0773H

   I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did

   The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm bears.

   I guess in the shower Steven Tyler doesnt know how to "walk This Way: without falling down

   Being pretty doesn't mean sh!t if you are a ho.

   a Guy to a Beggar: "I think you beg because you are just too lazy to find a job" Beggar: "I beg to differ"

   My neighbors always listen to deep-throat movies with the volume cranked up all the way...whether they want to or not !!

   What's the difference between Rick Perry and a bucket of sh!t?? The bucket..

   A pastor was caught by a fellow church member breaking into a church safe. The pastor shouted, “Blessed are those who see no evil, hear no evil and tell no evil” The fellow church member replied, "Amen, for they shall receive their equal share"