Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Since 1972 I have survived the end of the world 43 times, I am awesome and obviously a superhero

   "Counting to Ten" when someone pisses you off, works much better if don't count "out loud" while they are talking to you!

   If you didn't hear "I'm hungry" or "workout" then I didn't hear "premature ejaculation" or " get a job"

   The current US population stands at over 300 million. If we all contributed $1, that would be enough to buy off many lobbyists. I'd be happy to be the receiving officer for this plan.

   I would love to meet "Wasn't me" and "I didn't do it". They need to be grounded or spanked for causing a lot of trouble here.

   So the house used to film the Jersey Shore is now for rent. Can you imagine what you would see if you went thru there with a UV light? Yes, that's right.... hair gel EVERYWHERE.

   Only true friends go straight to your fridge when they go to your house.

   I don't trust my shrink anymore. First, he tells me to speak freely, then he charges me for listening.

   All answers questioned here.

   I need a new, non-fatal to flamingos way to deal with stress.

   Am I the only one who has their life flash before their eyes when they sit on a cold toilet seat

   you're cool and I'm hot, we should meet in the middle and stay warm...

   I can't decide if I'm in the right place at the wrong time or the wrong place at the right time.

   Work fascinates me...I could sit and watch someone do it for hours!!!

   Pizza... It's what's for Breakfast

   If I don't have any drama... Can I still have a Facebook

   I was gonna get something done... Then I logged in

   We alll have that one friend that just listens when you need to vent.. Lucky for me it happens to be my girlfriend :)

   When I was younger I use to slide bak and forth in the bathtub to make waves

   The neighbor's baby is wearing a baseball cap. Like anyone would pick a baby for their team.