Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Turkey Bacon: Cause you suck at life.

   There are only 4 words that end of argument. Face down, Ass up.

   Anyone else get that odd sense of victory when your fart causes someone to open the car window in the middle of a thunderstorm??

   I just saw a guy getting head in a phone booth. I couldn't believe it what I was seeing...I haven't seen a phone booth in years!

   survived Harold Camping predictions...

   Part of me thinks I get angry easily, the other part wants to beat the crap out of it for thinking that.

   Who is this Harold Camping retard? Why do people pay him and his mental illness so much attention? Why isn't he locked up in a loony house with other loonies?

   status by rating needs a month or week time limit selection

   I think as many hours as I put in I should be able to put fantasy football team owner on my resume

   You should always f*ck like all your exes are watching.

   Sorry for your problems and I'll be there to listen to you, because you're a good person and by good person I mean you put out when you're vulnerable.

   Follow your brain. Your heart's a f*cking idiot.

   You;re so annoying you should have a SLAP named after you.

   Why does everybody try to hide from each other in the Dollar Store? I saw your ass over at the bargain bin fool.

   Look dude I have no problem with the tattoo that you have. It's the instant attitude change that came along with it. Trust me you are still a pu$$y. Having a half moon inked into your shoulder did not change that.

   I wonder if Winnie the Poo ever said, Tigger Please!

   It never fails, when a girl steals my Facebook status she gets a ton more "likes" than I did. :(

   "Ho ho ho" would be more appropriate as a Halloween greeting.

   The McRib is like the undead of the sandwich world, it keeps coming back. #ZombieFood!

   It's better to have a life of 'Oh Wells than a life of 'What if...'