Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hahahah someone stole Obama's talking truck today in Va . Lets see that great speaker puts two sentences together now .

   According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful!

   I've learned that no matter how much I try... how much I care... or how much I do...... some people are just @ssholes!

   A girl just told me she wants to play House, so I started limping and insulting her.

   I am responsible for what I say. I am not responsible for what you understand.

   He told me he doesn't have a beer gut...but it is just a protective covering for his rock hard abs!!

   I'm not saying you're a slut. It's just that your "private parts" are more like public parts ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

   If the grass is greener on the other side, you can bet the water bill is higher!!

   It sucks when the trailer makes a movie seem funny but when you watch it you realize that literally all the funny parts were just in the trailer.

   Singing to a song you don't really know...but that 15 second part you do know is coming, and you're gonna own that ish!

   Though they are called supermodels, they do not have any super powers. Unless class 2 drug dependency and being very thin is a power

   If your woman is feeling down, be there to feel her up!

   Roses are brown, violets are brown, grass is brown...who took a sh!t in my yard!?

   Due to the retarded faces some girls like to make and the fact that it's become cool to be a jerk, nowadays, instead of duck, duck, goose, all you see in pictures is duck, duck, douche.

   Alot of commercials nowadays are just knock offs of the Oldspice commercials with a very dramatic main character and a suprising plot twist at the end.

   It seems that nowadays people just add random symbols or letters after a colon and call it an emoticon. Like really? What the hell does :H mean.

   I hate to say it, but...Times change, seasons change, jobs change, lives change, and even weather changes. But people never do.

   Why can't we really post whats on our mind , because we'll be thought of as weird weak - I allmost didn't post this

   Relationships aren't tests, so why cheat?

   Some relationships in life are like fat people, they don't work out.