Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In elementary, there always seemed to be that one kid who had to deepthroat the water fountain when getting a drink.

   if you catch your woman having sex with another woman, just say the three magic words, "Tag me in!"

   Reading old messages, and wondering where it went wrong.

   Haters gon' hate, potatoes gon' potate.

   Dear waiter: Please don't ask me how my food tastes soon after I take a huge bite. Sincerely, My mouth is full so I can't answer.

   Floozies are always talking about their hot bodies and cute faces but never about their brain.

   All women want is sex. All guys want is to cuddle and have a good conversation.

   EVERYONE IS BEAUTIFUL...except everyone that is ugly

   On a scale of 1 to Rihanna, how big is your forehead?

   Most of the time, I'd RATHER talk to the hand.

   If you're out somewhere and can't find your wife or girlfriend and you're ready to go, start talking to the hottest chick there. She'll find you immediately

   As a parent, I appreciate how Sesame Street glosses over the Count killing and feeding upon other muppets to survive.

   Celebrity Divorce is sad, but not as sad as non-celebrities who care about Celebrity Divorce.

   The real meanings of Facebook event RSVP's yes= most likely going but might bail last second, No= your lame why would I go somewhere with you, maybe= I'm not going but I'm too much of a pu$$ to say no.

   It smells like... FRIDAY!! (In case your sniffers busted.=)

   When skinny women bend over to tie their shoes, They look like flip phones.

   Ladies: If he had to run to the car to scrape up some change to buy you a drink do yourself a favour and walk away.

   It makes me laugh when I see HOES arguing with other HOES about being a HOE

   Just saying I love Google. It gives me everything I need, except head.

   Men cheat the most, women cheat the best!