Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I hear the "Occupy Wall Street" movement is headed to Las Vegas. Wow, seems like a pretty big gamble if you ask me.

   Facebook should change it from "Friends" to "People I've made eye contact with".

   Welcome to my Facebook wall. Straight jackets are on your left, meds are on the table, and if you hurry, you can still get a seat in group therapy . . . have fun!

   Note to self: thanks for always being there.

   If you like mine, I'll like yours. Status people...talking STATUS!

   Yo facebook friends, My Blackberry's out so give me a wall.

   I don't know if I walked in to the wrong restroom, but it smells like fish in the men's room.

   "If you want to fly, you got to give up the sh*t that weighs you down!"

   It sucks whenever you hear a song you really like in public but you don't know the name of it.

   Owls make good pets because they're always interested in your social life. You tell it "guess who I went to the movies with" and it always asks"who?"

   A woman interviewing me for a job, was hot, but a real b!tch. She goes, "Are you bi-lingual?" I didn't even want the job at this point, so I said, "Yes, I can lick ur pu$$y and ur a$$hole. "SECURITY!!!!"

   A relationship is like standing on wet cement..The longer you stand the more difficult is to leave & even if you leave, you leave your footprints behind.

   There are 7 billion people in this world, don't let one ruin your day.

   If somebody does a backflip, they automatically become a bada$$.

   It seems like in movies, when they want a female to look older, they just cut her hair.

   Even though they have no use for them, guys would look kinda weird without nipples.

   IPods: where 8 GB of memory really means 6.46.

   Blackberry must be a woman cause only a woman can ignore you for 3 days straight and then pretend nothing was wrong.. Next time I will buy a Louis Vuitton cover so she starts talking again.. :-)

   Don't you hate it when you're right, but you're the only person in the room that knows it, so as far as everyone is concerned, you're just wrong.

   I finally slept with my HS Crush but it's kind of weird now because she wants me to go to her graduation.