Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The rather uneasy moment when your ex is hotter than before.

   wondering if anybody is feeling Obama's Stimulus "Package" yet?

   I hate married people who act single.

   Everyone wants to wear Gucci. Not everyone wants to go out and get a job.

   Things that don't mix - pregnancy and clubbing.

   Trains do a pretty good job of letting you know they're still 7 miles away.

   The blue whale ejaculates over 40 gallons of sperm when mating. Only 10 percent enters the female. And you always wondered why the sea tasted salty?

   Walked into 5 spider webs during my evening walk, so 5 times I pantomimed putting out a flaming ski mask.

   Ladies; The best way to get over someone, is to get under someone else.

   Guys who say MOB while they are still living with their moms mean, Mom Over B!tches.

   You are your biggest enemy. Don't defeat yourself.

   Please don't take anything I say personal or too seriously. I'm just an idiot with internet access.

   What did one Blackberry user say to the other? Nothing!

   To do list for the day: Hate self, love self, hate self, love self. Lunch. Hate self.

   Thinking about making fish flavored breath mints to tackle the lesbian market.

   Nothing is sexier than a woman wearing a team sports jersey and cheering on her team. Other than a woman who's not wearing a jersey..

   I like my women like I like my dogs. Obedient, loyal, and always licking ...

   The key to a woman's heart is shaped like a large wiener and has a Visa symbol on it.

   Don't you hate when you read all the long post and can't find in funny? What a waste of time...

   The radio... making car rides less awkward since 1927.