Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I've really got to quit telling people about my wedding. The guest list is out of control & the Bride may not even have been born yet!

   Water does not collect on TOP of a hill, take the damn bucket up there yourself! Stupid Blonde!!! ~ what Jack should have said to Jill

   You're the joke, I merely provide the punch line..

   I'm collecting every toy that the neighbors kid throws in my yard, I already have tons of Christmas presents for my nieces and nephews this year!

   I hate when I walk through a metal detector and my abs of steel set them off.

   celebrating columbus day with a home invasion.

   I have decided that I am going to win the Nobel Peace Prize, and I don't care who I have to kill to do it.

   great.... Oprah is interviewing Rosie O'Donnell tonight on OWN. tune in if you ever wondered what a Double Stuffed Oreo sounds like

   I feel like a Tampon today...In a good place at the wrong time.

   blackberry crashes around the world ministerially!!! well 4 days in heaven and already working on the competition, good job steve :)

   The severity of an itch is inversely proportional to the ability to reach it.

   Every girl has a slutty friend.....and if you people were any kind of friend at all, you would introduce me to yours

   I make good girls go back to the ex they still have feelings for.

   Calories(noun)-Tiny creatures that live in your closet and sewyour clothes a little bit tighter every night.

   Don't go knocking on the devil's door and expect him NOT to answer

   In the absence of information, people make sh!t up. Worse, if they feel threatened, they make sh!t up that amplifies their worst fears.

   Lets AGREE to DISAGREE.. because you're too f*ckin stupid to understand me!

   What's the best way to casually ask your neighbor for his wifi password?

   shouldn't *India* be the country that celebrates Columbus Day? Think of all the syphilis they avoided because that dude could not navigate his way out of a kiddie pool.

   The thing that sucks about hanging out with my friends is that they see how much I stare at my phone and know how little I answer their texts.