Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think it's kinda creepy that Facebook tells everyone where you are on every post.

   So after leading on thousands of supporters in order to collect millions in campaign contributions, Sarah Palin has announced that she will not be running for President, but not without first spending stacks of donated cash on a cross country family vacat

   I stopped believing for a little while this morning. Journey is gonna be so pissed when they find out:(

   Once upon a time, many, many years ago in a galaxy far, far away, I was in the Boy Scouts. I slipped on a banana peel, hurt my ankle and a little old lady had to help me cross the street.

   You offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she's not your friend anymore.

   If anybody steals my identity, at least I'll know who to look for.

   I never say ”I have a bone to pick with you” cause that sounds stupid, plus a nose hair is more accessible.

   Anything you can do, I can do bitter.

   My generosity has such underlying desperation.

   I bet anyone can stalk you if you keep on updating ur status.. Yes I'm talking to you.. Someday, some unknown guy's gonna greet you and said something like, "hey, how's your period goin'? ... Who, me? Oh I saw you on facebook a LOT. So just by a whim I pl

   Life really is all down-hill once you get to big too ride in the shopping cart anymore isnt it??

   Looks like the redneck twins have lost their jobs and girlfriends to Mexicans and black guys again. So brace yourselves for more r@cial backlash.

   I'm about sick of passwords! Pretty soon you'll need one to take a piss. ..oh, you have to use the bathroom- what's your password and user id

   If the cup is only half full, I suggest buying a smaller bra.

   When someone asks "Know what I'm sayin'?" simply recall the thing they JUST SAID & you can "know what they're sayin'."

   thinks it's hilarious how infomercials and product commercials make simple tasks such as draining pasta or cleaning toilets seem like life-threatening obstacles.

   Look just cuz I wont go by you tampons doesn't mean I don't love you...Hell didn't I buy you like 3 rolls of Bounty...That's called a Compromise...

   what do you call a white man surrounded by 500 black men...."Warden"

   I'm dating a woman that's half my height... I'm nuts over her

   You might be a redneck if ya get divorced, re married and still have the same "in law's"