Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Never expecting the unexpected making the unexpected

   MY wife use to be afraid of the dark..then she saw me naked now she's afraid of the light..

   Having your hands amputated... You just can't beat it!!

   "In an unhealthy relationship" should definately be a Facebook option.

   When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.

   ☐ Single. ☐ Taken. ☑ Helping Mario get Peach back

   This whole time I thought they were using reverse psychology on me, so I say yes to drugs. (

   Bullsh!t, cheaters ALWAYS win. That's the point of cheating. If you cheated and didn't win, no one would ever cheat.

   They say that spontaneity is the spice of life but I don't see it on the shelf so I'm going with Paprika.

   I plead a 5th of Jack Daniels!

   I don't like exercise so I'm not going to walk a mile in your shoes....I'll judge you standing right here!!!!!

   I can't stand people who blame everyone else for their problems....I'd be successful and happy by now if it wasn't for them!!!!

   At work, first they tell me that they don't pay me to think, then they ask me what the hell was I thinking. Then I told 'em," You said you don't pay me to think!" Jeez, make up your minds!

   A husband received a phone call from police."Sir we have found the body of a woman who we suspect is ur wife.Can you please come n identify the body?" Husband-"I'm a bit busy right now,why don't you take a pic,tag me on Facebk n if it's her,I'll click the

   A woman said : "Men are like pennies: two-faced and worthless" I say : "women are like anything that can be bought by those pennies"

   When sh!t goes down and lines are drawn and sides are taken, that's when you find out who was real and who was faking.

   Unlucky people are those who break their nose even when they fall backwards.

   under demonic possession until tomorrow when I tell her it's just not working out. .  

   roses are red unicorns are pencil this poem makes no sense, toaster

   Can still get a TKO on Glass Joe in the first round.