Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   to the guy who made the "16-bit dinosaurs" music video, What were you smoking?, How much have you been Smoking? Can I have some?

   i dont have trust issues, I just know people who have lying issues

   I can't believe that one of Michael Jackson's Doctors is on trial..........and it's not his plastic surgeon!

   I bet you didn't know that women can get b o n e r s...True story... They get them right in their mouth.

   The inventor of Doritos is dead. Somewhere, the inventor of Bugles is playing "Taps."

   Adults Only!!!! BRA AND BAR... <Both have same letters of the alphabet <Both are drinking zones <Both have restricted times for opening and closing <But when opened,both make men crazy. CHEERS!

   I get offended when people assume I think and care about them.Who died and made you money?

   Not everyone who plays with you is on your team.

   Guys, clean up your!̸̶͚͖͖̩̻̩̗͍̮̙̈͊͛̈͒̍̐ͣͩ̋ͨ̓̊̌̈̊́̚͝͠ͅ ̷̧̢̛͖̤̟̺̫̗͚̗͖ͪ̏̔̔̒́ͥ̓ͫ̀ͤ̇ͥ͝ ̡̊͛̇ ͫ̉ͦ̊̀̔ͧͮ͆̽ͦͩ͋̌͗̚̚҉̵͖̟͙̮͈̼̹̞͝ͅscreen ;D

   Dallas Morning News reports that Tony Romo is on a liquid diet to prevent choking.

   When you weigh under 150 pounds in prison you're literally doing hard time.

   All I pray is that when I die the death certificate does not contain the phrases "straining at stool" or "unusual mummification".

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   The crap I can say with a perfectly straight face is illegal in 48 states. The other two just haven't met me yet.

   Just discovered there is a level of sadness where happy songs are way more depressing than sad songs.

   Trying really hard to have a good day. There is not nearly enough genital touching going on for that to happen though.

   Be my Facebook Friend, NOT a Spy or a Hater.

   The heart is a msucle. What do muscles do when they are torn? Brow back stronger

   Damaged people are dangerous because they know they can survive

   I can choose to let it define me, confine me, refine me, outshine me or I can choose to move the f*ck on and leave it behind me.