Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Useless people are the worst complainers

   What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association

   It's been years since I've seen Dora The Explorer... I think she got deported.

   A clean house is the sign of a broken computer !!

   If I were Zorro, I'd hand out business cards with a Z on them. That way I wouldn't have to take my sword everywhere.

   The Swedish Chef is the greatest Muppet of all time. END OF DISCUSSION.

   I'm terrified when I hear something was made with "secret sauce."

   Sex would be more dramatic if men's underwear had little saloon doors in the front.

   Dear Women, We don't know what we're thinking, so please stop asking us that. Love, Men

   i think the funniest thing in the world is my dad leaving me a msg on my cell thinking that I can hear him and actually pick it up...

   Dear Twilight fans, Please realize that because vampires are dead and have no blood pumping through them, they can never have an erection.

   On the right side of my facebook it says people you may know. Everytime I click it there are bartenders and Hooters girls on the top of the list... Am I doing something wrong?

   thinking Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?

   Gene Simmons is now married...hope he didnt french kiss the bride...she might choke

   My parents accused me of being a liar. So I looked them straight in the eye and said "Tooth Fairy, Santa Clause, Easter Bunny." And walked away like a boss

   what happened to the days when you would date someone because you actually wanted a future with them.. now and days people just date because they want someone cute by there side. i'd date with my eyes close, and let there personality shape there beauty.

   I put my phone on airplane mode then threw it accross the room..Worst transformer ever!

   I met this Chinese guy named Ho Lee Chit... (^_^)

   you know your high when you wait for a stop sign to change color.

   I think Mark Zuckerberg is in my frikin laptop laughing... My Facebook is changing back and forth!!!! :-/