Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Word of the day---FOCUS (fu@k off cuz ur stupid)

   just took an inventory of my body and it seems to be overstocked in all the wrong places

   all those extreme couponers across together need to band together and propose a budget plan to the president

   a wife is somebody who won't tell you what to do but will get mad when you don't do what she wanted you to do

   Oh man! I just heard Obama is coaching our team tonight.. Some public relations gimmick. He's giving the opposing team our quarterback, wide recievers and linebackers in the interest of spreading the wealth around.. :-/

   This cantelope scare is the first time men don't want to see melons

   I want my head stone to read: He was survived by his family and 672 Facebook friends.

   just gave the dollar to a cover for a bar with which I just did cocaine with

   why is it so hard to understand women, its like I have to sit with a notepad n pen and study these basturds.

   The Mayans were really talking about page #2012...

   When I win the lottery , the first thing I'm going to buy is a pot to piss in. I've always wanted one of those.

   “Watch your thoughts, for they become words. Watch your words, for they become actions. Watch your actions, for they become habits. Watch your habits, for they become character. Watch your character, for it becomes your destiny.”

   Hey Motels, you can take the "Color TV" signs down now. We know....

   vodka does for me what spinach does for Popeye.

   if I'm not sure wich one you are in the picture, I'm going to assume you're the ugly one

   Broke up with my crossed eyed boyfriend.. because he was seeing other people.

   i dont wake up in the morning feeling like p diddy. I feel like crap -_-

   i kinda think the nintendo character mario was on drugs...he ate mushrooms & thought turtles were attacking & had to save the princess from the biggest baddest turtle of them all...this is why you dont do shrooms kids

   #ThatAwkwardMoment when you are at a funeral and your phone rings.. you ring tone is "Another One Bites The Dust"

   Life always play with us, when we are helpless..!!!