Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The first time I saw my ex in a thong I had to pay a cover charge....to see that same thong on her today, I would have to pay a surgeon!!

   Some people are so strange. If you've seen a posted joke before... don't comment, just ignore it and move on.

   Please stand on your head now. Hurry. 370HSSV 0773H

   She's not a ‘stop-along-the-way' She's my destination.

   Sex sex sex sex sex sex sex! Now that I have your full attention, its weekend for god's sake, log off and go out there and enjoy your life dammit!

   I didn't sleep very well last night. everybody's going to get a shamwow and pajama jeans for christmas. damn you infomercials!!!!

   My 300 lb. sister got a belly ring. I peeked at the receipt, it was from U-Haul. She got a hitch.

   Today looks like a good day to do all the nothing I have planned.

   You can almost pass a lie detector test if you answer every question with "go fish."

   Just once I'd like to see a realistic tampon commercial where the actress is sitting in bed crying with a half eaten snickers in her mouth!

   I have learnt so much from my mistakes, I am thinking of making a few more.

   Four out of five urologists smell their apple juice before they drink it.

   you know ur ugly when ur body gets more likes than ur face...............

   Has anybody woke Green Day up yet?

   You know what's funny? Paintings of Adam & Eve where they both have belly buttons. Think about it, take as much time as you need.

   The new FIFA12 is full of bugs... I tried to make a substitution, but Carlos Tevez wouldn't come on..!

   1. play a youtube video 2.pause it 3. hold left arrow for 3 seconds 4. then press up arrow while holding left arrow 5. play the snake game

   Just put on the pajamas I'd like to be buried in, so no, I don't think I'll be going out tonight.

   Keep your head high, but your middle finger higher

   Now that I am older... I wear bell bottom pants so I can flash the guys a little easier!