Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A telephone survey says that 51 percent of college students drink until they pass out at least once a month. The other 49 percent didn't answer the phone.

   When I die, I just want my tombstone to read “George Clooney.” That ought to pull in some visitors.

   Words are cheap... unless you use one of those 900 numbers... then they are normally about $2.99 a minute!

   From now on when some one places a depressing FB status we should all just like it. I'm sad.. my life sucks..FML.. no one loves me.. LIKE That way they get the attention they want and maybe just maybe will get the idea that FB isnt the place to tell ever

   FB isnt the place to tell everyone your life blows..... everyone knows it the place where you pretend your life is awesome!

   cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool

   I always wanted to be a comic. Not a stand up act...an actual comic. I wanna slap a blob of Silly Putty on myself and make a copy of me.

   When I call a woman a "candy ass", I am not being mean, it just means that I have a sweet tooth

   If tit for tat doesn't mean flashing guys with tattoos, than I've been doing it wrong this whole time.

   ■a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school's pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?

   trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.

   If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don't eat it: It's probably poison.

   Global Warming!! Who cares if my Grand kids won' t see a Polar bear???. ... . . . . I didn' t see Dinosaurs either.. !!

   The more pieces she's put out the less appealing her puzzle is to solve..RJ

   I don't know cupid but I met his evil step brother stupid who uses alcohol instead of arrows and causes one night stands..RJ

   I know someone who needs a couple closed fisted high fives to the face. His name rhymes yore busband...RJ

   I just bought a trophy at a garage sale. I would like to thank my friends and family, the community of hastings minnesota, and my dentist. I couldn't have done it without you. RJ

   Did you know slugs have four noses? I'm totally going to dutch-oven one tonight.

   had a fight with Mister Booze,and now I'm wearing tattered shoes,♪♫ Don't mess with Mister Booze, You always loose with mister booze ,don't mess with Mister Booze♪♫

   I wonder how much trial and error it took before the guy that invented "pull my finger" got it down to a science and stopped pooping his pants.