Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   wholeheartedly believes I am someone's "evil twin", and I'm totally cool with that. What bothers me is that there is a wholesome, "goody-goody" douchebag doppelganger, somewhere in the world that has the ability to pose as me!

   Dear God, Please send some nice clothes for that poor lady in Daddy's computer who hasn't got any. Love, Paul XXX

   Giving up is the easiest thing you could ever do But holding it together when everything else falls apart thats true strength

   PSA: You may “love” your boyfriend, But we'd all appreciate it if you didn't post it on Facebook every thirty seconds, thanks.

   Tonight's dinner was a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I made it using the recommended serving amounts indicated on the jars. Who came up with these standards...an Ethiopian?

   I liked you when we first met but, since then, you've talked me out of it.

   I'm sorry Real World.. I don't have time to get to know 7 more people.. My Fb is already full!

   Hey Reality, I've a extremely large list of people you've forgot to slap!

   Maan !! You're 20 years old & she's 15 years old, HOW COULD YOU CALL IT RELATIONSHIP ? IT'S BABYSITTING !

   This is how my week goes mooooooooooooonday.. tuuuuuuuuuuuuesday... weeeeeeeeeeednesday... thuuuuuuuuuuursday.. fridaysaturdaysunday....

   In kindergarden they call them cooties. in high school we call them STDs...

   I have a lot of friends practicing law without a degree. They all want to judge me.

   You'll never reach your destination if you stop and throw stones at every dog that barks. Rather keep biscuits in your pocket, feed the dogs & move ahead.

   Facebook is not the place to reveal your deepest darkest secrets. Your friends "like" you but they don't like you that much!

   Mirror: You look amazing. Camera: I don't think so... Friends: Hey you, someone looks beautiful! Self-esteem: You're ugly.

   adjusting your boxers does not constitute playing with yourself.

   ever notice Michael Moore looks like Peter Griffin

   botox, hair dye, liposuction, firming body cream ...your only hope now is to find the fountain of intelligence

   when someone says "Sh*t just got real!" does it mean everything was fake all along ? o_0

   dear Friday, I'm ready..