Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   You think you know a guy, then you sleep with his girlfriend, and all of a sudden his true colors show

   I can't think of a worse feeling in the world than when you realize your Caprisun has no straw

   I thought 'sex tape' was just slang for duct tape

   I don't know who has a worse lineup right now, the Mets or the Republicans

   I firmly believe that a man should never hit a woman. But come on, she changed the channel from Sunday Night Football to Desperate Housewives. I didn't have a choice!

   A little league baseball coach got busted for molesting his 8-year-old players. What the hell? I was in little league. No one even tried to molest me. What was wrong with me? Was I not good lookin enough?

   it ok 2 break up wid a girl if she forcibly makes you watch one of dose stupid twilight movies???

   No! But id ok if she break up wif you if you talk like dis

   The most awkward thing you can hear from the guy at the urinal next to you..."Hey, nice watch".

   I hate when people see me at a grocery store and say, "Hey! What are you doing here?"... I'm like "oh you know, just hunting elephants and stuff..."

   ‎[Status update only available to Facebook® Gold™ account holders]

   When I say “Nevermind.” I really mean you should've listened the first time.

   Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly.

   Dear dude holding his wifes purse in the middle of the food court. Have some dignity and at least strike the Heisman pose.

   I pledged allegiance "to the republic for witches stand" until third grade.

   If the fate of humanity ever rests on me filling out an online customer survey, we're pretty much doomed.

   No! but that's a really nice ski mask!

   Somewhere in the world, some stripper is still claiming she is paying her way through college ten years and no degree later.

   I got some mail yesterday that says, "Tiime-Sensitive Material Enclosed." So I guess I gotta keep it away from clocks...

   Don't waste your time worrying about a piece of sh*t that's not worried about you.